When you think about it, saying 'no' is one of the most important skills we can each develop as we go through life.

While not as popular as its positively-considered cousin 'yes', the word 'no' (and our ability to use it effectively) has far-reaching impact and consequences across ALL areas of our lives from our health, fitness and aesthetic appearance to our choice of partner, our career paths and, well EVERYTHING we do.

A well-timed and well-placed 'NO' can directly and powerfully impact the very quality of our lives by acting through our self-identity, our self-beliefs and our self-worth in ways that determine whether or not we'll feel happy and successful as a result of our thoughts, words and actions or whether we'll go down the other, more commonly travelled route of feeling out of alignment with who we really feel ourselves to be, what we value and what we most want to experience.

For example, just ask any dieter who 'falls off the wagon' after just a few days on their new plan how they feel about themselves specifically and how they feel about life in general and their response will, more often than not, be extremely negative as they project their 'failure' to say no to dietary temptations onto other areas of their life such as their ability to parent ("If I can't even stick to a damned diet, what kind of example am I setting for the kids?") to their sexual and intimate relationships ("I can't even get myself into good shape, why would my partner want to stay with... THIS??!") to their work and career ("What must 'they' think of me as a leader if I can't even show a little discipline over some cookies?") and beyond.

The REAL disconnect for most seems to be an inability to say 'no' to those things that take them away from their stated aims and objectives and, instead, to find themselves saying 'yes' even though their yes's will cost them everything that feels most important to them.

They KNOW the dietary choices they are making will cost them some of their results and yet they seem unable to say no to the temptations they are presented with in their everyday lives.

Why is that?

Well, while it's clear that those things that become threats and stressors to us during the course of our daily lives have the ability to pull us out of the cognitive, conscious parts of the brain responsible for creating, strategising and accomplishing our goals and objectives, it appears there are other factors at play that may actually CAUSE the brain to become threatened or stressed and result in quitting or acting in opposition to those things that are important to us.

Such as words.

As researchers from the Journal Of Consumer Sciences discovered when they set out to understand the linguistic elements of self-talk and its impact on subsequent behaviours.

The researchers took 120 subjects and split them into two groups and instructed one group to respond with "I can't" and the other with "I don't" when faced with choices that were in opposition to their dietary plans and health goals.

For example, if they were offered chocolate, cookies or cakes that weren't part of the plan they would either respond "I can't eat chocolate because I'm on a diet" or "I don't eat chocolate" as their control instructions dictated.

After being briefed on their use of language relative to dietary challenges the participants were then exposed to questions unrelated to the study and, prior to leaving were offered either a granola bar or a bar of chocolate on their way out.

Those who were prompted to use the "I can't" language opted for the chocolate bar 61% of the time whereas those who were prompted to use the "I don't" response chose the chocolate bar only 36% of the time.

In a later study by the same research team a group of 30 women were asked to pick a personally significant health or wellness goal and divided into one of 3 groups.

The first group (the control group) was instructed to 'just say no' whenever a temptation to stray presented itself.

The second group was instructed to respond with the "I can't" strategy, for example "I can't eat that chocolate or miss my workout because I'm on a diet and trying to get in shape"

The third group was instructed to respond with the "I don't" strategy, responding with "I don't eat chocolate" or "I don't miss planned workouts" whenever they were tempted with those things likely to lead them astray.

At the end of 10 days the data was collected and the results were, quite frankly, incredible.

The 'Just say no' group had only 3 of its members stay fully compliant with their health and wellness plan.

The 'I Can't' group had only 1 of its members remain compliant.

The 'I Don't' group had a whopping 8 of its 10 members remain compliant and 'on course' with their goals.

While this may only be a short study, the results are truly fascinating and instructive and give anyone working in the fields of human behaviour and transformation a LOT to think about, especially when you consider that those saying "I can't" had a lower success rate for staying on track than the 'Just say no' group.

After all, "I can't" followed by a reasonable and seemingly rational justification (e.g - 'I can't because I'm trying to lose weight') is probably the most common method of declining or abstaining from those things that would take us away from our goals, right?

Well, essentially it's about self-definition, self-control and self-empowerment, the three areas that have the greatest impact on determining long-term behaviour and likelihood of success when setting and pursuing goals and objectives.

Those using the "I don't" framework when facing challenges are making declarations from the identity-level sharing a definition they have of self (as someone who doesn't do something), as an expression of a choice THEY have made (rather than being controlled by others or circumstances) and in the direction of something that they feel is personally valuable to their lives (rather than engaging with those things that make them feel less empowered and thus, less valuable.

Compare that with the "I can't" response and the picture is a very different one.

It suggests that "I do sometimes" or "I want to"  or "I may be open to persuasion if you help me to justify it".

It suggests that 'if the circumstances warrant it' or if the social pressure is high enough or 'supportive' enough that they may indeed change their mind (which data says that 90% of the time they will).

It suggests that the future-focus they held as important is perhaps not as valuable or worthy of the effort required after all.

This factor more than any other seems to be the achilles heel in the use of "I can't" as a strategy for transforming behaviour in the long-term.

Because once basic survival is assured, the brain is hard-wired to shed externally applied limitations and restrictions and to prioritise freedom for this, more than any other factor, is the source of growth, self-actualisation and happiness and without it, stagnation, limitation and dissatisfaction are guaranteed.

Simply put, FREEDOM is the 'home of happiness' and everything we put in place in our lives that limits or restrict it becomes a source of threat and unhappiness.

Hopefully it never went unnoticed that the third group above (the "I don't" group) were 80% compliant with their health and wellness goals compared with only 10% of the "I can't" group.

The difference between these two figures is truly staggering and holds clear instruction for creating a more successful pathway to long-term behavioural transformation.

It's simply this; make declarations about what you DON'T do while you're in pursuit of your goals and objectives.

For example, "I don't drink more than 2 cups of coffee a day" or "I don't drink coffee after 11am" or simply "I don't drink coffee". 

It doesn't matter matter WHAT the declarations about what you don't do are... as long as you're committed to not doing them while you're in pursuit of your goal.

Start with declaring your 'I don't' statements to yourself on paper, in your journal, in your head and out loud.

See, hear and experience yourself making these identity-level declarations about what you DON'T do.

Then extend those declarations out to others.

You don't need to make a great song and dance about or make it some formal 'thing', but simply be sure that whenever someone invites you to engage in something that you've already declared to yourself that you no longer do, that you declare it to them too.

Don't feel the need to follow it up with an explanation or justification.

"I don't drink during the week because I wake up groggy, tired and I gain weight easily" starts to sound like "I can't but I'd like to" whereas declining an after-work drinking session by saying "I don't drink in the week" creates a declaration that few are likely to try and oppose or undermine.

It's about self-definition.

And self-definition is about certainty.

And nothing holds a person on-course toward the goals and objectives they've decided are important to them more than certainty.

And all certainty starts with words.

So pick them wisely.

And don't say you can't 🙂

1. Patrick, Vanessa M. and Henrik Hagtvedt (2012), “How to Say “No”: Conviction and Identity Attributions in Persuasive Refusal,” International Journal of Research in Marketing, 29 (4), 390-4.

2. Patrick, Vanessa M. and Henrik Hagtvedt (2012), ““I Don’t” versus “I Can’t”: When Empowered Refusal Motivates Goal-Directed Behavior,” Journal of Consumer Research, 39 (2), 371-81. (Media coverage included Forbes, U.S. News & World Report, Los Angeles Times, ABC News, NPR, Scientific American, Fast Company, Self, Shape, Men’s Health, Woman’s Day, Women’s Health, Good Housekeeping, Yahoo! News.)